Forgiveness is a way of healing oneself from pain, trauma, and tragedy. It is a means of self-liberation and self-empowerment.
Eva Kor – Holocaust survivor
To forgive or not to forgive—that really is the question for so many of us.
Forgiveness is something most of us wrestle with, especially when the wounds run deep. One of the things many have said during online counselling, “What they did to me is unforgivable. How can I forgive them if they never said sorry, or if they don’t even think they did anything wrong?”
I get it. Truly. For me, the person who hurt me most was my mother. For you, it might be your father, your partner, a grandparent, a boss, or a friend. The pain is valid. And forgiveness can feel like an impossible task.
My own journey with forgiveness began when I became a Christian at the complicated age of 18. Back then, it was presented to me as something I had to do—just another rule to secure my spot in heaven. “If you don’t forgive, you won’t be forgiven.” It was more of a threat than an encouragement. But even though it was wrapped in fear and control, there was a truth underneath it that I’ve come to understand more clearly over time.
When Jesus said, “Love your neighbour as yourself,” it wasn’t just about being nice to others—it was about starting with yourself. You can’t offer true love to anyone if you haven’t first learned how to love yourself. And the same goes for forgiveness. If you’re holding onto shame or self-blame, it becomes either very hard to ask for or offer forgiveness, or apologising even when you have done nothing wrong just for the sake of not being rejected. It becomes tangled in guilt and silence.
Through listening to countless stories and reflecting on my own experience, I’ve come to believe that the power of forgiveness is far deeper than what many of us were taught. Whether or not you view Jesus as divine or simply a wise teacher, he understood something profound: that healing starts from the inside.
That said, many people approach forgiveness from the wrong angle—and often for the wrong reasons.
In some religious spaces, forgiveness is sometimes demanded to maintain a certain image. You’re told to "move on," keep smiling, and never talk about your pain.
In the wider world, the message often sounds like:
“Just let it go.”
“Don’t dwell on it.”
“Stay positive.”
But emotions don’t work like that. Real healing requires expressing those emotions, not suppressing them. And let’s be honest—society often teaches us to bottle things up, especially if you're a man. Crying, being angry, or admitting hurt is seen as weakness. But in truth? It takes incredible strength to face your pain.
Sometimes people believe that forgiving someone means pretending nothing happened.
It doesn’t.
Forgiveness doesn’t erase the trauma or the scars. Those are part of your story—and remembering is often essential to your safety and growth. It's how we learn to protect ourselves and set stronger boundaries.
Another common myth is that forgiveness means going back to the person who hurt you. That’s especially dangerous in high-control religious environments, where people—often women—are shamed into returning to abusive relationships in the name of “forgiveness.” But forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still choose to never speak to them again. Even if they’ve changed. Even if they’ve apologized. You are allowed to prioritize your own peace.
While I believe strongly in the healing power of forgiveness, I also know that not everyone is ready. And that’s okay. Some people carry trauma from people they still have to see every day. In those cases, forgiving can feel not only difficult but also unsafe. If that’s where you are, please know: you don’t have to rush. There is no timeline, no rulebook. You don’t owe forgiveness to anyone.
But when you’re ready, forgiveness can be incredibly empowering. It allows you to take back control—not over what happened, but over how you feel now. When you no longer react with intense emotion to their presence, message, or memory, that’s a sign you’re healing. Forgiveness, in that sense, isn’t for them—it’s for you.
Many online counsellors come across this very often especially with clients who’ve experienced abuse or were in narcissistic relationships. When we start to shift our emotional responses, we regain power over our lives. That’s one of the most liberating things to experience in the healing process.
There’s also the deeper understanding that abusers often carry their own wounds. You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Hurt people, hurt people.” I used to roll my eyes at that. But over time, I saw it more clearly.
Take the movie The Cell for example. It’s about a therapist who enters the mind of a serial killer, only to find a deeply traumatized child hiding beneath the monster. It's disturbing but eye-opening. I was abused physically and emotionally throughout my childhood. And while none of it was okay—none of it excusable—it helped me understand where my mother’s cruelty came from. She had lived through a horrific childhood herself, only escaping through an arranged marriage to a man just as emotionally broken.
That understanding led me to an even bigger challenge: forgiving my grandfather. He was abusive, narcissistic, and hateful. The kind of person you don’t just forgive—you exorcise from your soul. And yet, it was only by facing that hate that I could start to let it go. Not because he deserved it, but because I deserved peace.
I’ve seen too many people ruin their lives because they couldn’t let go. They stayed angry. And in the worst cases, they started to become the very people who hurt them. I didn’t want that for myself. I wanted something different.
When my grandfather died, I felt nothing. Not sadness. Not relief. Just… nothing. That’s when I knew I had let go. I didn’t need to carry it anymore.
As author and abuse survivor Carolyn Spring once said:
“Recovery is my best revenge.”
And I felt that in my bones.
So if you're sitting there asking, “Why can’t I forgive?” know that you’re not alone. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness—it’s a powerful, personal choice. But it has to come from you. And if you’re not there yet, that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel your pain. You're allowed to take your time.
But when you’re ready—when you're truly ready—know that forgiveness isn’t about forgetting what happened. It’s about freeing yourself from it. It’s about healing, reclaiming peace, and choosing a future that isn’t defined by someone else's harm.
And if you need support navigating that journey, online counselling can help. You're not alone in this. There’s a way forward, one step at a time.